I say what I mean and I mean what I say

it's so fucking difficult to find other people who can

see past frustration and stay true to that

trust me

I've been searching for a long fucking time

for just one other person like this

and in that time

my whole perspective on the world has changed

I remain optimistic

that somewhere there are true people

but I'm beginning to loose hope because every time I think I've found one

I find myself mistaken for someone who is just as fake as the previous

I

will not wait

to be understood

I

will not wait

to be heard

I

will not wait

to be seen in the true light

for I am right here

I have not been lying

I have not been deceitful

being evaluated

by those physically near me

but personally distant

they try

to tell me what I am

where I belong

they use

words of disdain and anger

in loud tones

expressing only

the opposite of what they

have vocally spoken

so I 

begin to tell myself repeatedly

to stay calm

silently waiting

for another loud structure

to return desolate

and in

learning

I empathize 

quickly

yet

desperately

attempting to understand

the outside of a shell

a shell that

surrounds me

yet

I cannot recall its creation

I cannot recall the way to disengage it

as if it were restlessly and relentlessly

protecting its contents

that someone

somewhere

claimed valuable

empathize

then

through other eyes

I see myself

unwillingly

taking blame

for

misunderstood events

I have to remind myself

what is and isn't my own fault

spending hours upon hours

recalling

reality

and

in

a matter of minutes

repercussions arrive

in overwhelming tones

again

I don't understand why this happens

I think I know why

but it seems almost too simple to really be the answer

so

the future is

quite obvious

mainly

because it's

already right

infront of

our eyes

who else is ready to bend space

sustain the nurture of nature

explore beyond sight's limit

reach the human hand of knowledge

to meet the potential of human intuition

human thought

human desire

human dedication

the colors of time

separately

blending with one another

mixing the experiences

we know to be

sound

sight

touch

taste

smell

and

now sense

healthy body/healthy mind

able body/able mind

functioning body/functioning mind

yo let's go chill with the aliens

because frankly

I am getting sick of waiting for them

to come chill with us

especially

when the only humans

it's said they've met

are the corrupt, belligerent, greedy fuckers

that tell you how to interpret your own fucking dreams

and where you spend your precious private reserve currency

your laws don't mean shit in space

gay marriage and weed are both legal on the moon.

why

would you not

talk about all this cool shit?

maybe it's

only

imagination and illusion

but what is

happening

here

is

obvious

but tell me not to speak

for I disappeared by choice

while many

vanish

without given permission

but those in disguise

are merely camouflaged

and

will never be invisible

will never not be there while being there

will never be undetectable

look closely and anything hidden can be uncovered

remember that heart is stronger than mind

and

heart yearns for exploration

heart yearns for what's beyond

yearning for what is beyond the mind's vision

that's something that the heart can see

that's something that the heart can feel

"what begins in chaos

ends in chaos"

the world

so full of unknowns

from the rainbow trees

towering high

to natures chemicals

pumping in my veins

nature

nurture

&

change

evolution

we're only certain of uncertainties

that fill this world

and let us remember that

patience

is

persuasion

"You don't understand me

that's your trouble

not my fault because

you don't understand me

I don't understand you either

BUT I DON'T SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE

TRYING TO PUT THE BLAME OVER ON YOU

BECAUSE MY CIGARETTE DIDN'T LIGHT

OR BECAUSE SOMETHING DIDN'T WORK RIGHT"

it looks

so beautiful

in this

typeface.

The common words these days

are 

WAKE UP.

similar faces in ordinary bodies

the ordinary and the things to prove

open eyes and open minds

I wrote on public property just as equally as the campaign posters

flood the scenery of

mountains

roads

sidewalks

I saw your reflection in the

artificial

aluminum clouds

just as I saw my own in the

flattened

wheat field

they say these

abductions

are painful

timeless

moments

with

the

incubus

of

deoxyribonucleic

acid

illness

but

I

never knew them to be

quite like that

the

remembrance 

of

forgotten inspiration

is like

a

dream

recalled

hours later

in the awaken life

numbers

graphs

circles

lights

energies

movements

since the beginning of these

thoughts and their growth

development just as

the swollen

traces left with no answer

"I've seen this all before,

but something is different."

speaking to me

through the sounds

sounds recorded

way back when

listening to

nothing sounds

realizing he was

right

about pronunciation

it doesn't mean much

now

he

just as I

quit those

marketed

children of culture

a culture

turned grey

grey as the faces

they claim

claimed

by

hands held

tight

hands

of the

inside

a fire was

created

evidence

strewn about

in the

cold night

records

of a

grey face

retrieved

by

past

&

future

bright

blinding lights

shooting through

illuminating

the

various stories

stories

now described

by

some

collector of crystals

found with

water

one

single

thing

THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY "YOU"

it doesn't matter who's watching

it doesn't matter who knows

it doesn't matter who cares

the subtle singularity formed in the shower

during a term of conditioning

my next cat will be named "Sandy"

so I can call it a sandy pussy.

Variables VIII from James Allbee on Vimeo.

*hello, this is allchoppy, just saying, "yeh"... that's backwards for hey.*

hey Ian M

you wouldn't believe

this

but

most these days

are spent

out of step

now

for me too

do you remember when?

yeah

so do I

call those the

good ol' days

what

a

fucking

lie

covered my eyes

and

holy shit

exposed me

as

I would you

sat backwards

on

turned tables

not forever

but

until the next

the mystery of things we cannot explain

the scientists tirelessly working to solve

the investors spending to save precious time

the human anxiety of running out of time

the fear of a beautifully preserved secret

sometimes I just want to tell them all

because they so eagerly wait

I want to say

"oh well"

not the "oh" that would abandon hope

nor the "well" that would state completion

it's

just

really

PROCESS

not structure

learn/grow/experience/live/love/try

give & take

speak & listen

the past is a thought

just as equally

as what is to come

when I see him next

new process, begin

process of a process

wrinkled shorts

faded shoes

warped belt

messed hair

perfected shirt

they should know this by now

happiness

sleepless

relentless

the money and the yelling mornings

nothing

never thought it something

ask me about what I do take seriously

ask me about ears or eyes

ask me about puzzles

tell me that you can keep up

if

you can keep up

then

there is music for your ears

it's a

choppy

50

search

50

!

a problem is

that

I don't trust

the problem is

that

I desire to (one day be able to) trust

he's going to hate me

exposing the sunburns

the soccer field apart from everything else

the chart of history

exposing the existence

sunburns volume two

maybe with or in

shiny cars

oceanside towns

dusty classrooms

the restrictions of law

my changed

animated

judgements

aligned

& watch the leaves change in these brick buildings with tiny rooms and long hallways.

everyone thinks it's about them

it's not

they're just selfish

allchoppy

I believe that

people easily

get the wrong idea

of

who I am

&

what I am doing

I can only hope that

this does not mean

I easily

get the wrong ideas

but

to be honest

the person

a lot of people thought

they met

isn't as horrible

of a person

that

I

REALLY

AM

So, um, get to know me a little better and maybe you'll understand exactly what happened in the past

six months

maybe you'll understand exactly what happened in the past

two months alone

maybe you'll see exactly what is happening right now

but something tells me the (...) see

this isn't the place to say what I need to.

doing the things you fear the most

that unique anxiety

the cold hands that burn with sweat

the heart pumping deeper into your chest

nothing else feels quite that beautiful

Variables I from James Allbee on Vimeo.

The activities
I choose
to represent you

You
of
memories
and
dreams
and
thoughts

consume

in

hundreds

thousands

millions

clearance

in

inches

feet

miles

passion as free

free & freedom

&

on the

drive home

I

find myself

asking myself

why

I

don't

understand

the

final habit

deriving

from

the deep

reward suggests

good vs bad

as

passion suggests

regard

the

unwanted

vs

the

unwanted

anymore

curtains

&

shadows

obstructing

a view of

trees

taller than remembered

the

differences

or

only

the

differences

rethought

impartial

would require

similarities

rethought

as well

or

is it

memory

of the

sudden

sense

vs

memory

of

ease

the preservation

the newest

preservation

&

the consuming

of

a sunset

belonging to

a setting

that once made me

fearful

&

forlorn

visiting the north

and then

visiting the south

these days are:

travel far

&

train hard

work

work

work

travel

work

work

with

barely

any money in the

pockets

but, honestly,

it's amazing.

Traveling fast

&

getting rid of my phone

&

studying the heart

&

starting a career in a new city
&
working on a new film

post-art school is much more fascinating.

counting

hours

constructing

a

goodbye

before

relocation

it

is

only

a

big

deal

because

the

way

I

have

gotten

to

know

you

in

only

a

matter

of

hours

everything

and

everything

this preservation thing I completely forgot about

got to walk away to understand

balance

I'm sick of everyone having to be drunk to do the daring things they want to do

fuck that

grow plentiful fields of your brain and make your own fucking decisions.

you'll never find me with regrets.

those

moments

of

frozen

inches

melting

away

to

centimeters

and

on

repeat

in

my

head

repeatedly

sparkles

reflections

examples

of

proven

science

versus

the

experiences

of

what

causes

a

lack

of

sleep

awake

for

hours

and

never

feeling

tired

not

drinking

as

much

coffee

the

calm

storm

of

movements

from

different

sides

of

the

room

over

the

span

of

hours

the

laughter

feeling

younger

than

yesterday

H2O

as

terms

for

water

eyes

of

excitement

pacing

for

the

place

to

direct

shoulders

the

rain

the

thunder

the

humidity

the

heat

lightning

and

the

long

forgotten

snow

to you,

meet

me

at

the

early

horizon

we've

been

getting

to

know

so

well

and

so

fast

cigarettes&conversation

on

all

these

porches

an

experience

maybe only I'm feeling

you

kept

asking

me

about

us

us

before

and

us

after

it

was

as

if

you

thought

more

about

it

than

I

did

something

about

that

put

a

smile

on

my

face

that

I

couldn't

control

happy

to be

making

a

distance

still

anxious

still

confused

as to

the

imitation

integration

aggravation

spinning

in

intervals

that

last

only

the

briefest

of

moments

must be confusing

yourself

too

huh?

                                         people must

                                                                        to be more                       willing

                                                              learn                                           to try

you

made

alcohol

seem

disgusting

to

me

in

the

most

ungraceful

way

you

make

having

roommates

seem

like

more

than

a

chore

you

make

justification

out

of

creepy

ways

I

considered

you

a

friend

and

opened up

some

of

my

trust

to

you

and

you

took

that,

reversed

it,

and

threw

it

back

at

me

with

personal

insults

about

your

own

misconceptions

fuck off.

what

the

fuck

do

you

expect

me

to

say

to

you?

my

interest

was

geared

towards

something

I

thought

I

had

seen

or

knew

or

could

know

getting

to

know

you

I

realized

I

was

mistaken

due

to

a

cloudy

haze

of

whiskey

and

weed

why

can't

you

realize

that

you

have

become

something

only

of

that

combination

and

you

are

leaving

yourself

with

nothing

have

fun

getting

drunk

and

insulting

the

rest

of

your

friends

right

infront

of

their

faces

and

see

if

they

put

up

with

it

like

I

did

over

and

over

and

over

again

I

can

only

be

so

forgiving

don't

even

don't

even

money

and

others

yeah

I haven't forgotten abou these things, I've invested my energy into a project that appeared almost impossible

there is a lot of work to be done here

motivation

well

it's

back

in

me

so

go

get

mad

or

some

shit

I

don't

really

care

words

and

sounds

in

light

and

the

darkest

silence

let

us

mix

in

fluidity

creating

brilliant

collisions

and

never

be

asked

why

and

on another note

space

is

so

fucking

easy

to

reach

dude

gravity

isn't

what's

holding

us

here

troubles

with

us

walking

away

I

would

make

you

stay

every

single

time

if

I

could

or

if

you

would

 it

pisses

me

off

so

much

sometimes

that

I

wish

I

could

give

up

but

for

some

reason

I

just

cant

couldn't

keep

up

with

half

the

things

that

kept

up

with

me

these

revolutions

turned

some

things

around

just

as

you

bear

a

flag

we

used

to

rip

jokes

about

tell

me

about

your

surroundings

and

where

you

are

right

now

while

you

wait

for

a

future

you

don't

look

forward

to

maybe

we'll

run

like

we

used

to

irritated

by

his

imitations

thought

to

be

flattery

flattery

that

might

be

seen

if

I

were

something

else

tastes and tests

how

far

were

the

lines

I

used

to

cross?

how

far

are

the

lines

now?

always

used

to

be

breaking

them

with

ease

but

to be

breaking

them

here

and

now

has

some

difference

to

it

colorful strides

of

flight

across

still waters

he

drinks

his

mornings

afternoons

nights

in

ounces

surpassing

mind

in

ways

that

ferment

rituals

of

time

thinking

nothing

of

what

he

speaks

his

life

passes

him

in

fast

weeks

the

days

seem

to

remain

with

no

name

or

number

as

the

complexities

descend

from

meaning

as

if

they

were

thunder

where

have

you

been

my

lonesome

friend?

they

would

ask

him

that

but

time

after

time

after

time

they

only

fold

into

the

bend

well

I

I

wish

I

could

say

I

knew

him

of

other

sorts

sorts

and

places

when

and

where

maybe

my

words

could

would

devise

contorts

just

like

they

used

to

just

like

they

always

have

I

am

not

so

sure

on

giving

up

just

yet

you

see

my

words

are

ways

of

things

of

places

of

people

of

love

he

has

got

something

or

at

least

he

had

something

before

am

I

too

late?

did

tomorrow

come

before

I

thought

of

today?

someone

once

told

me

that

either

way

I

cannot

care

but

that

same

someone

taught

me

how

to

use

harmful

weaponry

the

geographical

and

the

mental

and

the

sometimes

separate

desires

word

of

advice

know

someone

for

who

they

are

before

making

a

twelve

month

contract

to

live

with

them

yes

happy

I

want

to

take

a

bus

or

train

or

plane

to

see

you

to

kiss

you

to

feel

you

but

the law

has

me

stuck

here

where

I

am

and

so

my

imagination

poses

how

and

when

our

next

encounter

will

be

sleep

tight

because

I

want

to

see

you

wide

awake

what

is it

that

I

want

from

all

of

this?

this

school?

this

city?

these

people?

I

am

not

quite

sure

but

I

suppose

the

comfort

of

something

I am

familiar

with

has

an

influential

allure

but

so

does

the

unknown

attempt

three?

maybe

I

am

not

even

far

enough

in

attempts

for

part

three

though

going

with

a

flow

of

my

decisions

that

don't

even

really

make

sense

to

me

am

I

happy

with

it?

maybe.

being

a

college

student

in

the

21st

century

apparently

means

paying

thousands

of

dollars

for

an

alcohol

problem

and

unnecessary

affairs

of

ideas

of

relationships

and

what

they

"should"

be

don't

get

me

wrong

though

I

am

happy

for

the

ones

who

make

it

out

alive

even

though

I

don't

even

think

college

is

...

well

we

will

save

that

for

later

as

well

I

would

say

what

I

felt

but

whenever

I

am

not

around

you

it

feels

better

than

when

I

actually

am

with

you

when

I

actually

am

with

you

I

understand

the

problems

of

the

people

of

the

past

I

get

it

I

get

it

remember

the

games

that

were

are

and

always

will

be

mine

remember

that

the

only

reasons

were

impenetrability

of

barriers

that

not

even

you

can

destroy

reasons

of

preferred

enjoyed

tested

movements

reasons

of

precautions

made

and

not

made

reasons

of

the

never

ending

reasons

of

man

made

rivers

that

flow

north

don't

confuse

I

for

the

things

I

am

not

which

are

the

things

that

most

see

of

I

you

will

know

it

you

will

see

it

you

will

taste

it

you

will

crave

it

you

will

yearn

burn

turn

learn

it

but

never

earn

it

not

even

when

it

is

too

late

already

picking

up

where

I

left

off

and

hitting

the

fucking

ground

sprinting

faster than I ever was before